Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we have one daughter together, who’s seven.

He came along at just the right time in my life, as I was in a horrible controlling relationship that I couldn’t get myself out of.

My husband was everything my ex wasn’t – kind, strong, sensible and so considerate.

I fell for him straightaway, but now I’m wondering if it was just because I needed someone to save me and not because I was in love with him.

Although sex is fine, I’m always left feeling as if I need something more – a deeper connection, which just isn’t there with my husband.

Although my ex didn’t treat me as he should have, and he had many issues, things were very passionate between us.

I don’t want to have an affair as a way out because my husband doesn’t deserve that, but I have found myself looking at other men and feeling attracted to them.

I’ve confided in my mum and my best friend, who both think I’d be crazy to leave such a good man and have told me not to do anything impulsive.

I have my daughter to think about, too, so I wouldn’t jump ship on a whim, but I’m confused and I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

I agree with your mum and friend that you shouldn’t make any impulsive decisions.

However, I’m not a believer in just settling for something or someone if you’re not happy and you’re only carrying on because you’re afraid of taking that leap into the unknown.

I think you should tell your husband what you’re thinking, as difficult as that is, and ask him how he’s feeling about the marriage.

I wonder if there’s anything you can work on to make the relationship more exciting and to make sex more interesting.

It’s always worth considering relationship counselling or psychosexual therapy before throwing in the towel.

It’s easy for any couple in a long-term relationship to get into a rut and lose touch with what drew them together in the first place.

But you’re right, your husband doesn’t deserve a situation where you end up having an affair. Communicate your feelings before it gets to that point.

As far as your ex goes, don’t confuse passion with a toxic and volatile relationship.

Maybe there was a lot of drama and a lot of make-up sex with your ex, but that’s not a healthy way to live.

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